.nafas.

not was. am hurt. still.

It was so hard. I was so hurt.

3 am.  I am afraid to sleep.  I am afraid to live.

I am tired? Stop talking to me please. Just stop. Do what you want to do. Just dont involve me. Just dont. Dont come to me for comfort. I dont know how to comfort. Dont make me feel guilty. Just dont. I am too cruel? Let it be. I want to be cruel. Better to let people know I am a bad person rather than I am a nice person. Because people will keep on expect a nice person to be nice for all times. I dont want to understand you. To have empathy - To have sympathy - To listen to you - I dont want. Stop talking to me. I dont want to listen. Why you are so cruel? Dont talk to me. I dont want to know. If I know, I will think about it. I dont want to think. Stop. Stop telling me something I dont wanna know. Stop telling me something not involving me. Stop. Please stop. I dont want to think. Ignore me. I just want to live quietly. I just want a space to breathe. I just want to breathe. I just want to breathe.

Reset.  Bismillah.

like the pillow wiping out my silent tears,  like the blanket I love to snuggle underneath to comfort myself,  you have come.  you are like every tight hug I need the most  but too scared to ask for. and, you came without me asking.

kasihan.  engkau masih datang ke sini. mengadu ngadu yang sama walau setelah bertahun.  kasihan.  engkau masih mencari cari.  ke segenap arah engkau berlari.  tetapi tetap di takuk lama jua berdiri.    engkau masih engkau yang dahulu.  yang bertahun tahun lama dahulu.  kasihan sekali.

I learn that, Someday by IU is like a letter to myself.  Everyday I hold out by comforting myself,  "It will be alright."  But it makes me afraid little by little.  I tell myself to believe in myself but, I don't.  Now, I don't know how much longer I can hold out.  Someday, I hope these tears will stop running.  Someday after this darkness clears up,  I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears.  It will come.  Although the night is long,  the sun comes up.  Someday, my painful heart will get well.  I hope it helps me now.  I hope God helps me, please.  I don't have enough confidence  to overcome this by myself.  and now I understand why she choose to sing this song that night.

Some choose to stay.  Because they are really,  really have no where to go.  Tell me,  how to run away from own self? -----  There is no time to run.  Instead,  maybe we should learn  a way to accept.  And it takes time.  Surely, lot of time.

ada orang menulis, sebagai bukti hidupnya diri pada hari itu.  ada orang menulis, menyimpan perasaan dan memori untuk hari mendatang.  ada orang menulis, menyatakan kekecewaan dan harapan.  ada orang menulis, demi bacaan dan peringatan yang lain nya.  ada orang menulis, kerana apa yang dilihat dan dirasa,  tidak mampu diterjemah menjadi sebutir kata pengucapan.  dan aku menulis. aku menulis,  mungkin untuk kesemua-semua di atas.  sambil-sambil masih mencari,  apa sebenarnya aku ini.